A practical strategy to regularly cover the basics of “adulting”
My daughters are nearing adulthood, and even though they have been homeschooled, which by design allows us to cover life-skills, character lessons, and spiritual training simultaneously with academic subjects, deficiencies happen, seemingly particularly in life skills: the stuff that is necessary, but often gets brushed aside as unimportant.
The particular life-skill that spawned the larger conversation between my husband and me in the first place was car maintenance.
Now unless you have car-obsessed boys, the topic of car maintenance rarely comes up at the dinner table. But when your teen daughter is suddenly driving herself everywhere and spending a considerable amount of time in the car, deferred car maintenance becomes a real concern.
Both girls were allowing their gas tanks to hit dangerously low levels, and there was no time set aside to actually perform routine checks and maintenance on the cars. So even for the younger one, who had learned to change a tire, wiper blades, and even the oil (!) in an auto and home-maintenance course at her tutorial, the habit of keeping up a car still had not gelled.
The car, however, is not the only area of some knowledge but not enough application. The girls have had rooms to themselves that they were supposedly tasked with tidying since they were about four and six, and have been responsible for their own laundry since around the age of ten or twelve. But just because they learned how to perform these tasks (and when pressed, they are MORE than capable of perfectly processed laundry AND a beautifully tidied room) doesn’t mean they’ve ever consistently kept on top of these tasks before they reach crisis level.
Lest you think I’m really beating up my teenage daughters here, stay tuned: the habits necessary for staying on top of the ordinary essentials of life just don’t come naturally for me.
I think for my girls, it’s too soon to diagnose whether or not this is their struggle. From polling other parents of teens, I’ve learned that inconsistency in “embracing” new responsibilities often goes with the territory, and for many it doesn’t seem to predict what adulthood will look like.
It could, however, be a predisposition that my girls may have inherited, because as I sit here approaching my fiftieth year on this earth, I still struggle to not fall behind in the areas I’m going to mention.
Soon after the convo about the car, I began to think of other areas of “housekeeping” which are detrimental to ignore. I definitely wanted to make up for any lacking areas in my girls’ life-training (I rock at mom-guilt), so after some thought, in true homeschool-mom fashion, I cranked out a list of these items with detailed instructions for how to complete every related task.
My girls as you might imagine were thrilled to receive this carefully thought-out guide… Okay, not really. They didn’t put up too much of a fuss, but they also proceeded to not pay it too much attention… We’re still working on successfully triggering those habits for their own sake as well as their mother’s sanity.
So, while I haven’t completely given up hope for this strategy to take hold with my teen daughters, believe it or not, I’ve at least found it helpful to ME to itemize these weekly to-do’s and spell out the related tasks!
And as I look ahead to each new week and try to write out a tentative schedule, I find it also helps me to not leave out things that have to happen regularly, but for which I would previously often not leave time slots–I know! Completely illogical!
I’ve somehow always felt guilty allowing and scheduling time for really mundane tasks, as if I believe they don’t merit a time slot, and other people must just magically snap their fingers and they are done.
After getting some clarity on the list for myself, I thought maybe others could find these ideas beneficial (I am so in hopes I’m not the only one…) so I decided to share my Seven C’s.
Why Seven C’s? I was initially looking for FIVE words to identify vital areas to address over every five weekdays, possibly with the same initials to help with remembering them. It just so happened that I could come up with terms beginning with C for each weekday category. Here they are (without perfect parallel structure for all you grammatical nerds like myself. Sigh…): Cleaning, Clothing, Checkbook, Car, Cooking. The remaining two came later, as I’ll explain.
Brief digression:
I believe there are at least three different types of people where ” adulting” is concerned. There are 1) those who don’t know they need these systems in place: likely these are young ones who haven’t yet experienced the full consequences of not dealing with reality.
Then there are 2) those who see the need for systems and are motivated to put them in place, but it’s an ongoing struggle. The struggle can either be lifelong, or can flare up around big life changes or crises. Any time I’ve had a major life-change like a move, job change, health problems, or a birth or death in the family, I more or less have to go back and relearn how to do everyday life.
I think the last group is 3) the set of people who automatically cover tasks related to these areas of routine responsibility in life without a lot of forethought and coordination, just as it logically occurs to them, without guilt about spending time on them. (Of course, if any of those people actually started reading this article, they probably moved on to something else way before now.)
But for me (the second type mentioned) and those of you like me, it is helpful to find regular times and days to accomplish these tasks or at least take a sort of inventory of my weekly progress instead of letting them slip through the cracks as my chaotic life happens and that fleeting clarity about what needs to be done goes out the window.
Back to the topic at hand:
So, I’ll go a little more in-depth here, making suggestions for training children/teens, as well as adapting the list to benefit those of us adults who still struggle:
Cleaning
For kids/teens, this is the day of the week to “clean their room,” and perhaps their bathroom, if they have their own. Think of it as a sort of deadline. If there weren’t deadlines for other things, like homework, they’d likely never get done either.
So even though it’d be awesome to have a clean room all the time, once a week is a good place to start. Ideally, daily pickups are recommended, but if any tidying of surfaces, floors, or closets is needed, it can also be a part of the routine on cleaning day.
For adults responsible for an entire house, cleaning day can be designated for all weekly cleaning routines, or for a special deep-cleaning task that’s not a part of daily/weekly routines, if things like dusting, vacuuming, polishing surfaces and cleaning bathrooms are already spread out across the days of the week or saved for the weekend. It could also just be the “deadline” like I mentioned before, to see to it that the weekly cleaning chores are being accomplished and checked off the list.
Clothing
The steps (obvious to some…) are sorting, washing, drying, folding, and putting away.
(I realize some people do NOT sort. No judgment here. Detergents these days are formulated to work in cold water, and most fabrics don’t bleed. If that’s how you roll, and an occasional sock dyed pink or grey doesn’t bother you, then more power to ya!)
For teens, we sometimes have to add the step of picking up the clothes out of the floor and deciding what’s clean and dirty… but I digress.
For adults, this task is much the same. You can add the occasional closet purge, rotate seasonal clothing, and assess the need to repair clothing or purchase new as necessary during whatever time you set aside on “CLOTHING DAY.”
Cooking
For teens, this could be their night to plan supper, cook, clean the kitchen or all of the above. This day for more independent teens/college age kids, can be the day to do the grocery shopping, or at least to plan a meal strategy for the week. It could also consist of some time set aside to prep sides, snacks or lunches for the week.
For adults, setting a day aside to think through meals for the week can save lots of money by keeping you from resorting to eating out after a long, trying day. If food is partially prepped, or you at least have a simple plan in place, staying home to eat becomes a lot more attractive.
Checkbook
For teens just starting to manage their own money, a weekly “checkbook day” is the perfect time to set up good habits in this area. They should begin by balancing their checkbook, balancing with their bank statements when they receive them, and depositing any monies they’ve received from jobs or as gifts. Developing the habits of giving and saving can start here as well.
Having a day each week set aside to balance your checkbook is an invaluable habit. I would love to say I balance each time I make a purchase, but the truth is, my husband and I have always had joint checking, and when you have kids and money starts flying in every direction, you have to keep regular tabs on your bank balance.
However, without a particular day PUT ON MY CALENDAR to do this particular task, I have sat down more times than I care to admit and realized I’ve let two or three weeks pass!
Sooooo…. on checkbook day, balance up, pay bills, budget for necessities, take care of (or at least schedule) banking tasks, deposits, etc.
Car
When teens reach the age at which they can be entrusted with a car, it’s definitely time to take on the adult responsibilities associated with it. At our house, that doesn’t include actually paying for the car or insurance, even though I think that’s an awesome idea!
On the scheduled “car day,” I primarily want my girls to fill up the tank and fish out all the miscellaneous food and gum wrappers, leotards, dance shoes and hairbrushes that somehow end up getting shoved under the seats.
As I mentioned earlier, for those of us who can go weeks without ever thinking to look at the gas gauge (I live minutes away from everything and don’t put a lot of mileage on my car), a weekly day designated for fill-up can be a life-saver.
It’s also a great time to check on tire and fluid levels, schedule any maintenance needed, and wash the exterior as well as clean out and vacuum the interior.
I put these five items in the particular order I did because if your child (or you) needs to get on top of these things, they’re in order of most basic and essential to more advanced. Most children learn to clean their rooms before doing laundry, meal prep, and so on. Obviously, as an adult, all of these areas are essential, but if you’re trying to form better habits, it’s best to work on one at a time (baby steps…).
Additionally, you can see there’s a real range of goals even within each area. If you’re utterly failing, I suggest you start with small wins. Don’t be like me, and try to go from zero to perfect in one week. Set the bar low, and celebrate your successes. Let those habits take hold and then move on to loftier goals.
For example, if you’re eating out five nights a week, don’t make it your goal to do all your shopping with coupons, complete a month’s worth of freezer meals, and eat each perfectly nutritionally balanced meal from home next week.
Try (really try, Perfectionist Mom) to start as simply as possible.
And then know, KNOW, that the first week you set out to schedule tasks to work towards some equilibrium in these areas in your life, you will have a late night emergency chat with a family member, unexpected trips to the doctor with a friend, college-age-kids who have to be rescued from car trouble, neighbors who pop in unexpectedly needing help, and a fender bender in the rain-where-the-person-who-hit-you-leaves-the-scene-and the-cop-spends-more-time-talking-to-you-about-his-retirement-questions-for-your-husband-than-he-does-about-the-accident-while-you-stand-in-the-rain (true story!) that will totally derail your schedule for the week, or at least certain days of it.
This a law of nature that kicks in any time you try to make meaningful change in your life, I’m pretty sure. It never fails that when I am most diligent about writing out a tentative schedule for the week, that’s when SO MANY unexpected interruptions happen. What to do then? I think you say a heartfelt prayer of thanksgiving for the people in your life and try again the next week.
In truth, letting any of these areas, which I call “routine responsibilities” slide— I am sooo speaking from experience here—is most often not so much about procrastination, or even having a busy chaotic life as it is just lacking the habit of keeping on top of them.
Habits are often connected with cues or triggers (great subject for another blogpost–and there are plenty of fascinating books on the subject!), and if your trigger to do laundry is when you go to your underwear drawer and find it empty, or you’re not filling your gas tank until the light comes on, you may be operating on a razor’s edge, always close to minor disaster.
If on the other hand, you can get yourself into a routine of keeping regular tabs in these areas and at least having a plan, as well as finding triggers that work for positive habits, you may start to move away from a life I know all too well that consists of last-minute desperation to one of calm preparedness.
Depending on your situation, any of these tasks may be too much to accomplish on their scheduled day. It may be that you use a scheduled hour on that day to plan a time to complete related tasks.
For instance, you may be scheduled to check up on your car on Tuesdays, and you may discover your oil needs changing. You may have to schedule said oil change on a different day of the week when you have a partner for drop-off, or you have the time to sit and wait.
Similarly, tidying and cleaning your entire house all on one day and only one day of the week is not realistic for most of us, unless you’re able to hire help. On your “cleaning” day, it may be wise to schedule times throughout the week for pickups and devote that day strictly to whatever amount of weekly cleaning keeps you happy.
You may have noticed (if you’ve read this far, you’re pretty sharp… heh, heh) that I mentioned seven Cs originally. The sixth C is for Community.
Community
So if you work a traditional five days, Saturday is a time when I think it’s healthy to spend some time in community, i.e., hang out with people.
It may seem silly to have to be reminded of this, but as with many things, if you’re not intentional, things that are important to you can get drowned out by all the other noise in your life.
If you’re an introvert like me and you are around people all day every day, you may need to spend some time communing with yourself and recharging. But oftentimes, the weekend is the only time available to spend quality time with your immediate family and/or visit extended family and friends, so it may be necessary to strike a balance in this area.
Contemplation/Calendar-ing
Finally, the seventh C is for Contemplation, or if you wish, Calendar. Sunday is of course a day set aside for contemplative practices in my life, but I also mean this in terms of contemplation of the coming week. This is the time (often for me on Sunday night) to look ahead to the coming week and schedule the other six Cs, as well as all the other calendar items that make up the week.
Most everyone knows the illustration of the rocks, pebbles and sand in a jar. The larger stones must go in first in order for everything to fit. If work and family obligations and appointments are the largest stones, the Seven C’s must come right behind them.
If your weeks are filled to the point that you don’t have time for these essentials, you’re likely frequently getting yourself into a bind, and you may need to take a hard look at what may be crowding these things out.
It could be that you’re losing lots of time just by not having your “Seven C’s” in place. You may be wasting hours a week, looking for lost items, making extra trips to the grocery, paying late fees, etc. None of us can afford to neglect any of these areas, as my soon-to-be adult daughters will learn—hopefully now and not when they’re raising kids of their own!