But for parents of teens, maybe not so much.
Adolescence is full of paradox, not the least of which is the phenomenon of great swaths of silence, punctuated by rare and unpredictable outbursts of sometimes lengthy conversation.
During these extended quiet times you begin to wonder all sorts of crazy things: Have aliens abducted my child and left me with this mute imposter? Has she taken some sort of vow of silence? Has all the texting caused her to only be able to speak through her thumbs? Really, what gives??
The teen years are of course time of great change, that somehow seems to lead to periods of inarticulation. I have a couple of theories:
I think, even with a growing vocabulary, many teens are unable to adequately express themselves. I know it’s hard, but try to remember some of the inner turmoil that accompanied your own teen years. I definitely remember stress and anxiety causing me to withdraw sometimes.
Pair all that teen angst with the fact that they no longer see Mom and Dad as the all-seeing, all-knowing fount of wisdom we used to be. I think in the years leading up to adulthood, sometimes they even think we’re not cool! (Whaaat?!?)
Conversation that used to come so easily grinds to a halt. Additionally, the hormonal shift that makes them part-werewolf, part-vampire, and all night-owl, makes coherent conversation in the wee hours of the…. well, late morning (i.e., anytime before noon) really too annoying for them to even muster an effort to respond.
Then the silence is abruptly shattered by the “chatty times.”
So, even as I’ve been writing this, my younger daughter (17), procrastinating writing a school paper (talk about an apple not far from the tree…), is talking to me about anything, everything, and nothing: books she’s reading, her friend’s habit of randomly throwing change into a parking lot, the fit of the jeans she’s wearing that she cleverly “thrifted.”
She’s bouncing around from one topic to the next, barely pausing to take a breath, all while crossing her eyes, trying to look at her nose and huffing and puffing to try to blow away a hair that’s hanging down and tickling it. Of course, caffeine may or may not have fueled this outburst… However it transpired, it’s a stark contrast to the blank stares and monosyllables to which my husband and I have grown accustomed.
My daughters also usually want to have their most important conversations either when I’m trying to be productive or when I’m completely bleary-eyed and ready to collapse for the evening. However, sometimes, the lines of communication open up completely out of the blue. And for those of you with teens, you know that words voluntarily issuing forth from their lips are like rare cosmic occurrences that you don’t want to miss. You stop, drop (or arise), and listen.
Isn’t life funny? It seems like when they’re little, it’s an absolute eternity before they’re able to just communicate important stuff like, “My throat hurts…” Then come the years of incessant streams of words (and questions!) about everything imaginable and hearing the name “Mommy” so many times a day you sometimes want to stop your ears and run away (at least for a few minutes…) and then, just like that, they go quiet again.
You can ask them a million open-ended questions and get little more than an annoyed grunt. Then comes the heart-breaking anguish of wondering if this is it: the end of the line, no further meaningful communication to be had.
Thankfully, my older daughter (19) has seemed to come back around to being a little more communicative, and I’m even lately starting to hear a lot more out of the seventeen-year-old. Many years ago when I taught junior high AND high school (I had students in each grade, 7-12) at a very small school, I noticed the students seemed to find their voice more with each passing year.
It’s almost like a second round of being non-verbal (the first being infancy, the second being the middle teen years) precedes the emergence of an improved level of articulation.
So what can you do to survive the silent years? Here are a few suggestions:
- Be available to talk—even if you’re tired or might feel the need to be doing something else. Rearrange what you can. If you blow them off because the timing is not convenient (and it probably won’t be), it may be a long time before the chance rolls around again.
- Listen. REALLY. Don’t talk too much. The urge will be there (if you’re at all like me) to teach/preach. Resist. REALLY. The Bible says not to exasperate your children (Ephesians 6:4). Preaching at them when they’re seeking a listening ear is a surefire route to exasperation. And let them know with your body language that they have your full attention. They don’t like it any better than we do to be listened to “half-way.”
- Ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions, and let them really answer. (See Luke 6:37) No leading the witness. They’re more shrewd than they look, and they can sniff judgment a mile away. Maybe it’s just my kids (their dad is a lawyer…)?
- Don’t assume you know what they’re thinking. This is a little like the “no judging” part, but really relates more to NOT trying to be a mind-reader (even though I’ve repeatedly told my girls I can read their minds, among other mom-super-powers, like having eyes in the back of my head). I’ve been proven wrong enough times with my own kids as well as students at church and school, that I know better than to just think I have them all figured out.
- Know that it doesn’t last forever. Remember potty training? I thought I’d spend the rest of my natural germaphobic life taking little girls to appalling public restrooms every ten minutes or so, but that seems like lifetimes ago. This too shall pass, but I think with some understanding and lots of love, these years don’t have to be totally incommunicado.
- Keep the hugs and kisses and “I love you’s” and “good mornings” and “good nights” coming even when there’s little or no reciprocation. Don’t smother them—they need their space—but they also need to know even in a world where lots of things are changing, the way you feel about them does not.
- Pray. This is a good all-purpose rule for parenting. The task is much bigger than you are. You need divine help from the get-go. Pray for the lines of communication to be open; then pray for wisdom for when they are, and pray for peace when they aren’t. And give thanks for the marvelous gift that is your child.
I hope these help in some small way if you are in the throes of raising adolescents. I am so thankful for whatever communication I get from my girls because the teen years, though fraught with difficulty and drama sometimes, are also exciting times to see that little person you nurtured beginning to blossom into adulthood. They’re definitely still in need of guidance and affection (aren’t we all??), but they’re not always sure about what form it should take, especially as they begin to turn in other directions to meet those needs (that’s a whole OTHER post!).
Parenting is a merry adventure, sometimes frustrating, sometimes terrifying, sometimes heartbreaking, but all the time one of God’s greatest gifts to his children.
I can certainly relate to times of being less than articulate in dialog with my Heavenly Father, and sometimes outright failing to communicate, so my hope and prayer for you and me is that we don’t miss the lesson that God gives us through this season of parenting—about our children and ourselves.