For many of us, marriage is an essential element of our tranquil or not-so-tranquil homelife. Since it’s the season of hearts, candies, flowers, and love, my Valentine’s gift to you is to share four principles that I pray may be an encouragement to you in your marriage.
This timeless marriage speech was of course from the movie the Princess Bride for a marriage (between Prince Humperdinck and Buttercup) that was never to be. The speech-impeded clergyman made a couple of good points, however. Marriage is a blessed arrangement, and one to be treasured.
God does not of course command us to marry. And famously-single Apostle Paul even advocates for singleness for those who are up to it. But those of us among the married ranks should count it as a blessing while also taking note that God hates divorce. And while marriage is not always a dream within a dream, I would like to encourage you if you find yourself in that “blessed arrangement” to look for ways to treasure it and keep it.
Here are some tips that I hope will encourage you as you keep on treasuring your marriage.
1. Take your spouse out of the equation, sort of.
I DON’T MEAN LITERALLY, of course. I’m not talking about an actual separation, I just mean to remove your main focus from your spouse. When it becomes difficult to serve and love your spouse in the way you should, (for whatever reason) focus on your vertical commitment to the Lord and how a solid marriage honors Him.
I’ve always felt like my husband and I have a really good marriage. But this tip was a revelation to me many years ago in a marriage class we took. Seeing my responsibility for the way I treat my spouse as having a direct correlation to honoring the Lord made me think twice about my behavior.
If we do everything as unto the Lord (Col 3:23-24), that includes the way we behave towards our spouse. Suddenly the treatment of your spouse takes on a lot more gravity when you think of it this way. We show love to God by loving others. All others. Maybe especially the “other” you’re married to!
Your spouse may not always deserve to be treated royally and loved and respected (who does??), but God always does. If this is sounding a lot like “grace,” it’s supposed to. When we’re really in touch with how much grace we get, the response is to want to extend it to others.
None of us do this perfectly, of course. But as best you can, draw your inspiration from the way the LORD has treated you. How HE forgives you. And return a portion of that honor to Him by lavishing it upon your spouse. Don’t save your “nice” for everyone outside of your home. Honor the one whom the Lord has given you as a companion and mate. By so doing, you’ll improve your relationship while also walking in obedience and showing love for the Lord.
2. Be patient.
I know being patient could be included in the previous tip, which sort of summed up the golden rule. But I want to highlight patience separately because I think living with someone requires extra patience.
The cruel irony of marriage is that it often begins in total starry-eyed bliss, and we can’t possibly get close enough or spend enough time with the person we wish to marry. But later, even a few months in, I’ve heard that that very closeness can cause the most irritation.
(I actually live with the most patient of men. He has helped me become a better person in this respect by modeling patience himself–and he has certainly needed it.)
The old saying, “familiarity breeds contempt” is so true, in that oftentimes the closer we get to someone, the more their habits and attributes can grate on our nerves. We have to always remember that it is a two-way street. If your spouse has idiosyncrasies that bother you, you can rest assured you have some also.
It is just human nature to grow impatient, especially with those closest to us. Those for whom we wash dishes and process laundry… are often the ones who get the worst end of our frustrations and the least amount of our patience. However, we believers are called to the divine (Matt 5:48).
Patience is a discipline, in that practice makes better. But not perfect, unfortunately. Thankfully, patience is also a fruit of the Spirit, so we have the supernatural help we need. If we’re walking in the Spirit, we should be oozing patience.
In the well-known “Love Chapter” (1 Corinthians 13), as the author begins to describe what love is, he begins with, “love is patient.” Whether it being listed first is significant or not, I couldn’t say. However, I know patience certainly makes for a better marriage. The Oxford dictionary defines patience as “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” Sounds like real love to me.
3. Set some boundaries.
All of us fail at rules-keeping, so it may seem counterintuitive to heap additional rules on top of the relationship. But personally speaking, I have found boundaries to be useful in my twenty-eight-and-a-half years of marriage. They are lines that we agree never to cross, and they make our relationship a more safe and comfortable space.
One of the boundaries we observe is to never intentionally say something hurtful to the other.
It may not seem like such a big deal, because it’s just talk. And everyone gets into a heated conversation now and then. But we can both relax and be frank with one another without fear of things escalating to an ugly place.
Knowing we are safe from intentionally hurtful words from the one who could hurt us the most allows us to be honest without fear of retaliation. No games of tit for tat. And if ever we accidentally say something which may inadvertently hurt the other, the offended one is honest about it, and the offender apologizes profusely and immediately.
Words matter. And like toothpaste out of a tube, they’re not easily taken back.
Another boundary we observe is to never air our disagreements in front of anyone else, not even our children.
We’ve always thought it important to present a united front to our children. We don’t always do it perfectly, but ideally we speak as an entity, never one against the other. The idea here is not so much about protecting our image or trying to appear perfect in front of others, but rather to be protective of our privacy and each other’s dignity.
I think it’s also important not to give others the impression that there’s vulnerability/weakness to be exploited. Whether it be our children taking advantage of playing one against the other or worse, someone seeking opportunity to harm our marriage. It’s never productive (unless things have gotten really out of hand and counseling is needed) to bring someone else into the middle of a conflict which should be kept between two people—and if the Lord is at the center of the marriage, the conflict should be short-lived.
The third line we don’t cross is keeping secrets.
I don’t carry on conversations (unless they’re very sensitive and in confidence with someone of the same sex) that my husband doesn’t know about. I also don’t spend time with anyone he doesn’t know about. While we respect each other’s personal space, there’s no part of my life where he is not invited. He may not want to get up into the middle of some of my more girly pursuits, and vice versa, but we don’t close off parts of our lives as off-limits to each other.
In my marriage these boundaries are mostly unspoken. They are more like habits we have fallen into. By the grace of God, we set a tone early on in our marriage to honor one another with them. I believe they’ve paid off dividends however. We really do still enjoy each other’s company! And I believe they could be a beneficial addition to any marriage at any point.
4. Stop hating on submission.
I know this is a hot-button issue, because I’ve had many conversations with (mostly) women who passionately object to the idea of wives submitting to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-23).
We are all called to submission.
What we often forget, however, is that submission is part of the Christian life for us all. Christ submitted to the authority of the Father and the Spirit. God created us to belong to hierarchies of authority. Marriage itself was created to be a picture of Christ’s relationship with His people. And like it or not, He created the family unit to be led by the father or husband.
But as believers, we are all to submit “to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Without opening a whole theological can of worms, I take this to mean we show deference and respect to one another.
In any organization, having people in positions of authority is essential to decision-making. It is no different in a marriage relationship. God designates the husband to this leadership role. Marriage is not some sort of mini-democracy. The way I read it, the husband is not beholden to look to the wife for a “vote.” But in a relationship in which he is called to a sacrificial love for his wife (as Christ loved and gave Himself up for the church), it seems the decision-making will certainly take into account the interests of the wife. And in our marriage, that certainly plays out with my husband involving me in all major decisions, not because he has to, but because he values me and my opinions.
The passage which sets many people off mentions the husband LOVING his wife, and the wife RESPECTING her husband (Ephesians 5:33). On first examination, we could take it to mean that the wife’s feelings don’t matter at all. As long as she bends and bows and allows her husband to rule over her. However, we know that as believers, we are all called to love one another. So yes, you can and should still also LOVE your husband.
Don’t forget: God’s omniscient…
It occurred to me as I pondered this passage that God knew what difficulties would arise in marriage.
He knew beforehand that many women would be mistreated throughout the ages by men who get “headship” all wrong or who are just plain sinful. Secondly, he knew we ALL have the tendency to resent authority or rebel against it. He further knew that women would be in authoritative and nurturing roles over children who would grow up to become men. In the process they might begin (wrongly) to see their husbands as another “child” in their care. The love and nurture part may come more naturally for women while the submission and respect require a little more intentionality.
And he knows what we’re made of.
On the other hand, in the man’s case, it is human nature to be tempted to lead with tyranny rather than the attitude of a servant. To further complicate matters, leadership is difficult when one is not respected, but rather undermined. Then, even in the best of circumstances, men who may be terrific providers and leaders of their families may sometimes lose sight of tenderness and love that is required to maintain a relationship.
Just like we don’t need to be reminded to love ourselves, we may not need reminders to do the things we naturally tend to do well. So both husbands and wives need to approach their roles with humility and a great deal of prayer.
I don’t presume to know the mind of God, but I think we sometimes forget how well God knows humans, past, present and future. He knows our frailties and our failings and what’s best for us.
Best of all, he loves us, and if He prescribes submission, we can trust that it is for our good and His glory.
Please take these tips as encouragement and not a verbal beatdown.
I’m certainly not holding myself out as a role model. But on my best days, I know that focusing on these principles makes my marriage better and stronger and God-honoring. And God (via my husband) has given me so much grace for my less-than-stellar days.
Be sure and check out the highlighted scripture reference links—don’t just take my word for it! I hope I at least have offered some food for thought. And I hope the tips (all or in part) are an encouragement for you to keep on treasuring your WUV. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Blessings,
