By “it” I mean tranquil domesticity. What’s grace got to do with tranquil domesticity? If you’re here reading this blog, I’ll go ahead and assume you’re “for” tranquil domesticity (the concept—not the blog… I mean… I hope you’re also for the blog…).
If you’re a believer, grace is kind of a big deal (understatement…). I mean, “Amazing Grace” for many is the Christian anthem: the celebration of the amazing fact that the Creator of the universe extends grace to unworthy sinners and allows us to transition from enemies to not just friends of God, but sons and daughters.
What IS this grace of which I speak?
Grace is generally defined as unmerited favor. Ephesians 2:8-9 sums it up beautifully: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” God chose to put his favor on us in spite of us not having earned it.
God has gifted me with salvation not because of good works on my part but because of His great love and mercy. So how does grace figure into how we operate in our home as believers?
I believe there is a direct proportional relationship between grace and the calm, peaceful home situation we would all like to experience, i.e., more grace=more tranquility.
But in practical terms, how do we achieve a grace-filled home?
As usual, I have a few thoughts. 🧐
1. Practice humility.
Humility in the eyes of the world sometimes equates to lowering yourself to the position of doormat. It’s counterintuitive to voluntarily give someone else power over us. The world tells to be good first and foremost to ourselves–we must have a high view of ourselves.
However, Christlike humility comes from a place of abundance, not poverty. We can live generously because we have been given so much. If we are filled with the Spirit, we don’t need to rely on others to “fill our tank.” We don’t need to be lifted up by humans when we’ve been validated by the Lord.
However, familiarity and spiritual amnesia often tempt us to require more from those around us. To subject them to our ugliest moments, and then to turn right around and expect perfection from them.
We must always be lowering ourselves to counteract our tendency to constantly be raising ourselves to too high a level of importance. John the Baptist famously said, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” What great words by which to live! And yet sometimes they’re so alien to our culture and way of thinking.
2. Don’t prey on others’ weakness.
The Lord uses our weakness to put His power on display: “…My power is made perfect in weakness.” –2 Cor. 12:9. Paul even says he can boast of his weakness, since Christ can work through it!
But when we live with someone, and since we’re all still walking around in the flesh, it sometimes becomes tempting to focus in on each other’s weaknesses and shortcomings. And when we’re aggravated and want to push someone’s button, it’s tempting to nitpick those points of weakness. It is NOT our place to be glorified in light of someone else’s weakness, i.e., to elevate ourselves by demeaning others.
When we show love in spite of each other’s shortcomings rather than attacking each other for them, or focusing our attention on them, I believe that’s when we resemble our Heavenly relations rather than our former selves.
We follow God’s example by glorifying Him through others’ weakness. He gives us the power to forgive. The saying “to err is human, to forgive, divine” is the truth. Not that you must be a believer to forgive, but forgiveness is indicative of the divine fingerprint on us as created beings. It’s a setting aside of our own agenda and seeing to the needs of others. The need for love, forgiveness, and acceptance is a big one. And I believe the Holy Spirit empowers those who are saved to forgive in extraordinary ways.
A little aside for parents:
This gets a little tricky with kids. I think it’s important to model grace. And when they’re little, it comes very naturally. They pretty much don’t have to do anything to earn our favor and affection. We have so much love for them simply because they’re ours (and so CUTE!). It’s only natural to support them in all their areas of weakness. We do for them the things they can’t do for themselves.
But as they get older, we want them to become more self-sufficient. We don’t want them to continue to be helpless. We have to discipline them in order to help them grow. When they reach the point at which they can roll their eyes, they can sometimes begin to elicit responses from us other than love. This is when it becomes important to keep a proper perspective. They become brothers and sisters to us whom we have to remember to treat in love and grace, while still functioning as their parents and disciplining them.
3. Don’t make everything quid pro quo.
Quid pro quo (this for that) is pretty much the opposite of grace.
It’s probably because we’re in the season of Lent that I’ve been confronted with the story of Jesus cleansing the temple (remember when He turned over the tables of the money-changers?) multiple times lately. But something that has struck me anew about that story is that the sacrificial system repeatedly became less about the heart and more transactional. Rather than a means of sincere contrition, repeated sacrifices often became empty ritual. In this case, the commerce and hubbub that were supposed to help facilitate the sacrifices and paying temple taxes were crowding out the space for prayer to happen (not to mention any profiteering that may have been occurring…)
Considering that our bodies have now become the living temple of God, there’s probably a lesson for us here.
A scripture reference or two (or ten) for you…
Throughout the scriptures, we see the language about the Lord desiring our obedience– mercy, justice, kindness, humility– over sacrifices. I was actually astonished to find all the following references to the same idea in just a cursory search: 1 Sam 15:22, Prov 21:3, Isaiah 1:11, Hosea 6:6, Matt 9:13, Matt 12:7, Mark 12:33.
We know that our parallel to burnt offerings since the crucifixion is our sacrifice of praise (Hebrews 13:15). Even our praise and worship however can become similarly cold and transactional. Many other pursuits of our heart can crowd out our true purpose.
We can keep the “law” outwardly purely by going through the motions, but we are required to do justice to LOVE kindness and to walk humbly with God (Micah 6:7-8).
Our response–
Again, when remember that we didn’t earn the favor we enjoy, it compels us to give it freely and generously in our relationships. Instead of expecting everyone to meet us halfway, we can give of ourselves sacrificially, and not worry about what we get in return.
If we are purely transactional in our relationships, giving exactly 50% and no more (i.e.,meeting everyone halfway) then I believe we’re missing the point. Grace gives 100% (John 3:16–ONLY begotten son) when it’s completely undeserved. See Romans 12:1-2 where Paul urges us to give our bodies as a living sacrifice. I believe this sacrificial living starts at home.
4. Be aware we’re not all on the same page on the same day.
We all have our moments. There are days when I’m out of sync, and do not behave with humility and kindness to those in my immediate sphere. If my family members responded with the knee-jerk reaction to give back exactly what they were getting, we would indeed have problems.
Thankfully, most of the time in our home, we’re all allowed to have a moment. Whether or not we always practice it, the prevailing culture in our home is not to take our bad days out on everyone in our path. However, we all mess up from time to time, and I’m happy to say we largely get grace from one another when we need it the most.
I think this kind of behavior when modeled is contagious. My husband has certainly led in modeling it for our family, and I am so thankful it has set a tone for how we ALL treat one another. (He says it’s purely survival instinct for living in a house full of females, but I know better…)
5. Deal with anger properly.
So even in the best situations, anger happens. Yes even in our harmonious, tranquil domicile, everyone gets angry sometimes. Sometimes because it’s warranted. Sometimes just because we’re not in the proper frame of mind.
Not surprisingly, the Bible addresses the correct response to anger. We are to be slow to speak quick to listen (see James 1:19). We should also be quick to lay it down and move on. Forgive one another in love (see Col 3:12-14). Don’t let the sun set upon your wrath (Eph 4:26). And if we are modeling grace, that’s a lot easier to accomplish.
6. Be aware that mercy and forgiveness are inextricably linked to grace…
I’ve heard it said that mercy and grace are two sides of the same coin. Grace is unmerited favor, and mercy is compassion in the place of justified wrath or punishment (Kim’s loose multi-dictionary paraphrase). Similarly, forgiveness is the giving up of any claim on a debt (more paraphrase). I think when we are practicing extending grace to others, mercy and forgiveness naturally follow. The result should be an extraordinary freedom to be ourselves without fear of being judged or condemned. That sounds heavenly. It sounds like what home should be like.
Just know, if we are forgiving others as we have been forgiven, that equals a LOT of forgiveness (speaking on my own account here). At least seventy times seven.
7a. Remember to remember to show grace…
As I said earlier, however, we’re all prone to spiritual amnesia. Just like I can write things down, and then forget to look in my planner and thus STILL forget them, I can learn about grace mercy and forgiveness and buy into it and still forget to practice it.
We have to remind ourselves to remember to practice grace.
How?
Stay in the word. You probably knew I was going to say that…
I think mining the scriptures is much like looking in a mirror. In them, I am reminded about who God is and who I am. I am reminded that I am not God. I don’t have the right to command anyone’s adoration of me. They show me that I don’t have the right to exact a debt from anyone else, since my debts have been paid for me. I must show the same kind of compassion I’ve been shown if I have a true understanding of my station. I’ve been given so much grace that I should have plenty to spare if I’m reminded to use it.
7b. Take out some extra insurance: prayer.
Am I the only one who needs a reminder in my phone to remind me to look in my planner to remind me to do something?
Since God answers prayer, PRAY to be constantly reminded to remember to be gracious to those in our lives.
I pray that God will help me overcome the self-importance that keeps me from getting on my knees, which reminds me to take the time to get into His word, and be reminded of who God is and who I am. I pray to be an instrument of grace as I am definitely a recipient of grace.
I’m praying the same for you all. That you may know God’s grace, but that you may also find success and experience the benefits of showing grace to those in your life.
Grace and peace to you,
